I've always been an emotional eater. Since my childhood, food has been a ritual involving social sharing, love, family, pleasure, nutrition, comfort, dealing with stress and anxiety. A cultural identity, over everything else. I come from a country where food is amazing and tastes like sunshine; families gather around a table at least once a day, even nowadays, and everything

gets picked and prepared with care. We are culturally obsessed with food and the pleasure that involves.

We're eating and we speak about the next meal..

 

Living abroad, I realised how unique this behaviour is.

For people coming from different cultures food is just...

food. Only chefs and foodies are keen to spend as much

time and effort as we do over their meals.

 

The funny part about my native culture is we are also

obsessed by looking-good, fashion, i.e. being thin/ripped.

That plus a very rigidly-polarised gender identity and

role models have been hell to me for long time.

 

Being overweight became a way to call myself out of the

sexes 'game', shielding myself from being objectified in

a misogynist and old fashion society.

 

Being also bisexual made things very confusing when I

was a teenager and it forced on me a significant amount

of sexual repression. I didn't feel safe to open up in a cultural environment where I was 'wrong' being who I am, just because I didn't fit the place designed for my gender and I've had bold desires or I didn't 'settle for less' or lived with things.

I understood very early that being pretty was not enough for me.

 

Fat became a protection and a way to claim my own identity beyond appearances, a big chunk of who I was.

It became illness and addiction.

 

I've always loved sports and physical activities, both outdoor and indoor, but I realised my weight got in the way of being able to do many things I liked. They were more difficult, even painful sometimes. I had a bad perception of my body for long time.

 

I tried many many times to lose weight; I did lose weight few times, but every single time I gained it back..and I felt horrible about myself. Refusing food, repression, never worked for me, because seeking pleasure is part of who I am.

 

Today I'm happily recovered by the guilt of being a fat woman. I'm not thin and I don't care as long as I'm healthy, and I'm very much loved exactly the way I am. I'm also in peace (quite happy) with having a gender fluid identity and a non-exclusive sexual orientation. I don't fit in a box and I'm ok with that.

 

Nowadays food is a medicine to me. I studied nutrition and designing the best way to nurture my body and feeding myself both physically and emotionally is a very rewarding work in progress. I learnt to listen my body and its needs, creating meals around it. I still eat too much sometimes, I do. Especially when I am back in Italy or when I am in social situation... Food in there is just too

good to have enough, sometimes.

 

But I recovered from my addiction learning how to cook in a healthy way. I also love using food in mindfully, not wasting anything, and preparing everything from scratch. Being respectful of food is important and cooking makes me happy. It's a way to take time for myself, it relaxes me and preparing a meal for someone else is my way to say 'I care about you' or 'I love you'.

 

I also discovered how much I love learning recipes from different cuisines and getting to know different cultures through their food, their ingredients and the way to prepare it.